Another Sunday unlike other Sundays
A bad week. Physically and mentally. Not touched my keyboard for days. BCC recurring again. Will it never end? Safely! One site cut out and 13 stitches to repair it, on my face. Low and lower goes my mood. Objective ME spies the fall and a nurse spied it too. My GP 'listens,' and we make a good team to find answers for me, while ME looks on. A long list could follow, but I shall ignore my rule to be brutally honest in here. If I concentrate on a couple of problems, the others fade into the background. Spine and leg are impacting on each other. Even more disabled in what I can do than before. 'Apnoea' may be the cause of certain bastardly feelings. I'm to be tested by experts. 'Bipolar' may be the cause of many 'unfeelings' and 'feelings.' Balance is required at all times now, mentally and emotionally and motivationally. Just a touch too much sends everything crashing, mentally, emotionally and motivationally. The Public Mask is getting heavy. Too heavy in the Surgery, and thankfully the nurse saw it; instant referral to my doc. I can't bounce back because I've fallen flat already and in order to bounce, one has to be in motion to begin with. Imagine a pancake laying on the carpet. That's me while ME looks on, thankfully. If I lose ME, I'm in real trouble. Keeping objective is paramount right now. There's the Public me, the broken me, and the watchful ME. I'm tired.
posted by john @ 1:50 pm
3 Comments:
The Cold weather and Frost which has met me every morning of this week, have hammered my spine and my legs and my knee's quad. I cannot perform physical acts of even hanging washing up to dry, because the method I have learned to use to do this, requires relying upon the strength of my knees and thighs. The ruptured right quad will never be useful again and it is only recently that I have had to come to terms with this fact. I relied on my legs to do much of the work to compensate for my crumbling spine. My right leg is bloody useless at doing anything now. There is no strength in it, despite regular exercise on an exercise bike. I have no confidence in my right leg. I had to get my son to help me up a couple of days ago, because I had knelt on the floor (after a fashion) for too long. I could not stand up!!! I'd been cleaning the hearth and the grate. My knee feels as though it is being blown up with a bicycle pump and although my knee isn't swollen, it feels enormous and its constriction restricts me more than ever. I get the stitches taken out of my face tomorrow. The cut/scar will look very neat.
Hi John~
The LAST thing you need is for some asshole to come along and tell you to 'cheer up!' So, I will pass on this particular opportunity to be an asshole :o) (But reserve the right in future opportunities!)
Crumbs! I've had glimpses in recent years of what it is like to be a stranger in my own body. The detached, mental step-back that occurs with pain and circumstance that leaves your thinking self wondering just what the fuck is going on and Why? Those brick walls may has well be really there, because mentally it is exactly what seems to happen. Whack! Back to puddle-dom. Physically knocked down and mentally knocked down into an abyss that makes being human nothing but a gigantic drag. It is not a bad mood, that would be a welcome state of being compared to this. It is NOT self-pity, that you could rationalize yourself out of. It is a state of awareness like no other and one cannot be 'cheered' out of it. So, I guess I am just trying to say in my own samll was that I understand at least the borders of what you are going through. Having "read you" for what I guess is years now, I bow to your sense of life and sense of humour despite it all.
hugs,
Laurie
Hi Byron
I invite you to visit my blog !
Sandra
Post a Comment
<< Home