Intransit

Thursday

I heard that we are at our most fulfilled when we are in deep-play. As a child at age 5 has imaginary friends who take up so much of its life, we also delve into writing and other cerebral pursuits, which take us into a world that leaves the rest of life behind. Too true.

How do I explain this next entry?..................Each night as I drop into deep sleep, my brain reacts suddenly to the feeling that the whole of my body is closing down. Totally closing down! I wake with a sudden lurch forward and shake my 4 limbs to send life back into them, thumping my chest to make sure my heart keeps pumping. I leapt out of bed last night and scuttled to the bedroom door in an attempt to escape the 'sucking' feeling which provoked my brain's reaction. As if a 'black-hole' had opened up beneath me and intense gravity was dragging my soul through my skin towards the floor. Horrible!!

I guess it is part of the Apnoea.

I now sleep sitting up, every night, and I awake most mornings feeling that I have had a full night's proper sleep. Most days are now filled with a positive energy, which I have not experienced for a long, long time. The nights when I have fallen into a horizontal position and lain flat on my back, have been followed with lethargy and weakness, of mind and limb.

My resumed exercise at the hospital gym has been a great fillip to my mental wellbeing. Exhausted and sweaty, being a welcome pair of old sensations. Losing weight is an added bonus. Supervised and disciplined by the staff who ensure that I do not do too much on days when I feel capable of far more. Days that could leave me in greater pain as payback from my body.

Physical exercise is a proven aid to chronic bouts of depression. Something to do with endorphins, self-esteem and anger-management.

This posting has been achieved with none of the 'brain-fog' of the previous few postings. It is only a small step, but a step with a positive gait. Those last 7 words have far more meaning than any others hereto. Puns intended. Imagery explicit. Sensation felt. One step onto the ladder? I do hope so.

posted by john @ 4:13 pm 0 comments

Wednesday

I haven't slept well for some nights. I'm tired and the 'brain-fog' is more in evidence because of it. Too many nightmares, when I do close my eyes. The time is passing slowly as I wait for the tests to be done. Another 3 weeks. I have had a result about physical exercise being re-introduced and I know it is a tremendous help for me, from past experience. I'll be under supervision and receiving 'guided exercise' from the professionals. Managing to do something which releases endorphins, is marvelous and a real boon to people with my condition. So I'm slip-sliding into positive gearing, mentally. Some discussion last week about S.A.D Lamps. Recommended by a nutritian expert on my Healthy Eating Course. I'll try anything to help me. So there'll be time spent on trawling the net for suppliers and reviews.
I can't stand being pestered by people these days. It's too much of an effort when struggling to cope with myself. It's like trying to cross a crocodile infested river and some pillock comes along and wants me to count the bloody crocodiles while I'm there! I'm tired. Is all. Nuff said.
I'll stop.

posted by john @ 10:30 pm 1 comments